Your brains. These hats demand them.

Ah, Monday. That day upon which the majority of us return to our respective places of employment after having been granted a day or two off in order to relax, catch up on cleaning around the house or debauch ourselves mercilessly (according to each individual's personal taste/priorities,) which results in all of us lurching and lumbering around like a vexation of zombies.*

So, when you consider that many of us are now coming off of a four-day weekend (re: Thanksgiving,) the zombie metaphor is even stronger, especially when you consider the sheer amount of turkey eaten over the past four days (tryptophan, FTW.) Which is why today, we'll be talking about zombie hats.

Yes, they exist. There's not as many as one would like, but I'm thinking that's because zombie hats are a niche market. Besides, everyone knows zombies make everything cooler. Just ask Jane Austen. Pride & Prejudice was never so awesome as when zombies were thrown into the mix.


This one is actually kind of cute, for an undead hat. Just look at that little tongue, sticking out of the mouth. And the X-ed out eyes definitely sell the "dead" angle, but not so certain about the "undead".This one is decidedly undead, and definitely more creepy. Y'know, what with the eye popping out and all that. But I'm not sure about the mouth being stitched shut, since zombies kind of need those for the eating of the brains.

But then again, it is a hat. It's right next to the brains, so the mouth would be kind of superfluous.



Remember the squids from Obey My Brain? Apparently, they even make a zombie squid hat. Because--as I pointed out earlier--zombies make everything better, and that includes cephalopods.

Now, where was I? Oh, yeah. Brains. Braaaains.

*This is the proper collective noun for zombies, according to this. It's a pretty handy item to have bookmarked, and I will get this as a poster one day. Oh, yes, I will.

Blame my husband, folks. I do.

So I was sitting here, staring blankly at my computer screen, trying like mad to think up something to post today when my husband wandered through the room. I made mention of the fact that I couldn't think of anything to talk about today when a geeky grin passed over his face. And I should have known what he was going to say, but the coffee hadn't kicked in yet.

See, Internets, my husband is a carpenter. Woodworking is not only his livelihood, but also his passion. This is evident to anyone who visits our home, as that most of our furniture is stuff he made in his shop, and about nine-tenths of the magazines we've got sitting on our coffee table are woodworking mags; Popular Woodworking, Fine Woodworking, Lee Valley/Veritas, and so on.

So what does this have to do with today's post? "You should do a post about those wooden hats I showed you."

...

And you know, that's what I'm going to do. Because I can't think of anything else, and I suppose a little bit of fan service never hurt anyone.

Also, I want a cookie for not making the obvious "dovetailing of interests" joke. Because the temptation was there, and I chose to ignore it.


Outside of possible heaviness aside, this one does look like it would be comfortable. As far as I can see, there are no angles or corners to worry about digging into your scalp.


This one's got a nice shine to it, and I do like that red band they've got going around it.

As wooden hats go, there doesn't seem to be many of them around. These came from this guy's website, so if you like what you see, you should definitely head over there and take a look.

And if you aren't that enthused with today's entry, scroll back to the top and reread the title. Or SEND ME YOUR HAT IDEAS. Either one would work.

'Cause it's turkey. To eat. So good.

Excuse my old-fogey moment, but I'm gonna have one anyway.

Back when I was small, I seem to recall that every major holiday in elementary school was accompanied by a construction-paper hat. I'm not kidding; it seemed like every month I was being handed instructions on how to make a different hat out of construction paper. Halloween? WITCH. Christmas? SANTA. Valentine's Day? A CROWN OF HEARTS. St. Patrick's Day? LEPRECHAUN. Easter? BUNNY EARS.

Honestly, it go to the point where I was pretty certain that all the teachers at Marquette Elementary had a book hidden somewhere that held the patterns for construction-paper hats for every occasion, and that they probably came out with a new edition every year, like the phone book.

For Thanksgiving, though, it was always the same; either it was a Pilgrim hat or a Native American headdress. Both of which were lame, since the feathers always kept flopping over and the Pilgrim hats just looked boringly sober. This probably explains why Thanksgiving was never considered nearly as cool as the other holidays, especially when you consider that it certainly never involved class parties with candy.

Which is why I'm glad to see that Thanksgiving is taking a much more colorful route now, and is skipping the racial insensitivity of the headdress and the lameness of the Pilgrim and just getting down to the one thing we all can agree on: that turkey is awesome.

Well, unless you're vegan. Or a member of PETA. But you guys were never much fun, anyway.


Of course, if you lack colored construction paper, there's no rule against just using white paper and coloring all over it.
Also, there is no rule saying adults can't get in on the cut-and-paste fun. Especially since we've got an edge on how to properly use scissors and glue.

Heck, you can even have a construction-paper turkey hat party! You know, like those ugly-sweater parties that were all the rage last holiday season, but this one doesn't require actually having to scour Goodwill or the Salvation Army to find the appropriate hideous sweater.


You could also skip the construction paper altogether and go with something a little more hardy, like papier-mache. This probably works better when you're heading out to a bar or a college party, since it's less likely to get ripped while attempting a keg stand.

Whatever you make your turkey hat out of, just remember that it should be fun. Also, it'll give you something to do after the Macy's parade ends and before the Detroit Lions game starts.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Straddling the fine line between cute and animal cruelty.

As domesticated animals go, none have quite achieved the level of popularity that cats possess. When you consider all the cat macros that are floating around out there, you can see that cats have quite nearly become an Internet law in and of themselves, and that by posting pictures of cats doing silly or strange things, you can't really go wrong. Heck, your coolness stock may even rise as a result.

So, seeing as it's not only Monday, but that there's a major holiday weekend coming up as well, I figured I'd hit cruise control today. Which means you're getting a lot of cats in hats pictures, and I'm using the above macro as my basis for this decision.


You're welcome.


As you can see, not even cats are immune from the coolness that is the squid hat.


However, they don't seem to be overly fond of hats with ribbons.


Berets seem to illicit a "meh" response (with which I can't really argue.)


Mini-hats, on the other hand, seem to evoke feelings of hate and wrath. If that isn't an "I'm gonna eat your face off when you sleep" look, I don't know what.


Either this cat was whacked out on some serious tranquilizers, or it was keeping calm by plotting the demise of its owner. You make the call.


This one I like purely because the cat's pupils are so dilated that you can't see the iris at all. That is the sign of one miffed kitty.


This one also looks miffed, but not murderously so. It's more like a "I am so gonna scratch the crap out of the furniture once your back is turned" kind of thing.


I'm just wondering what kind of treat they were dangling outside of the frame to pull this shot off.

Judging by the grin on that kitten's face, I'm guessing catnip. It's that sort of a junkie smile.


This is one cat that will never be able to live down the shame. NEVER.


I have to admit; if I had a Persian, I would be hard-pressed to resist slapping a bowler and a monocle on it every once in a while. They just have that stuffy,"stiff-upper-lip" kind of look. All that's missing is a cup of tea and a scone.

And last but not least:


Because viking hats are where it's at, folks. Especially in this blog.

Where have all the vikings gone?

Really, where have they gone? 'Cause let me tell you, Internets, I have searched high and low for viking hats--real, honest-to-Odin, comes-with-a-turkey-leg, 100%-made-from-materials-that-will-make-PETA-freak-out viking hats and alas, I keep coming up empty-handed. At best, my searches just turn up a bunch of PVC costume hats.

Not that I have anything against plastic hats, mind you. They're all well and good if you're attending a costume party at a frat house or something comparable, but they're just not what I'm looking for. In that respect, my standards for viking hats have been raised considerably by the hat you see pictured off to the side. Plastic may make things possible, but they just don't come close to that one.

However, I must say that there does seem to be a wealth of knitted viking hats out there on the Internet. So until somebody out there sends me some pictures of real viking hats *cough*m.rose.evans@gmail.com*cough*, these will have to suffice for now.


Who knew that the newest baby trend was viking hats? I certainly didn't.


Maybe it's the juxtaposition of such innocent little things wearing hats that mean business. I don't know, but if I had a nickel for every time I saw a baby wearing a knitted viking hat, I could retire and sail around the world in my authentic viking long boat that I bought from some museum's private collection.


I guess I'm just wondering if these pictures will ever be whipped out when these kids hit adolescence and described to their prospective dates as "Baby's First Pillaging." I know I would, were these kids mine.

Can anyone explain to me the sudden popularity of a chicken-leg viking hat? Because these things are wildly popular, but I can't seem to find the reason why.

That's not to say they're not cool--frankly, I think it looks pretty sweet--but I'm just curious as to how we, as the Internet, made the mental leap from 'viking hat' to 'chicken-leg hat'.


I gotta admit: I included this one purely because of the look the lady in the knit viking hat is giving her tinfoil viking-hatted compatriot. Because, clearly, THE TINFOIL IS NOT WORKING.

Wacky Wednesday

When it comes to versatile fabrics, the one that doesn't get enough credit (in my humble little opinion, that is,) is felt. Sure, the majority of felt hats are a bit on the blah side; always being fashioned into a fedora, a trilby or some other style of hat we've seen hundreds of times before and will most likely see a million times more before we shuffle off this mortal coil. This is precisely why today we'll be looking at some decidedly wild, creative uses for felt in hats. Like that one up at the top, for example.

Okay, the base is a little on the normal side, but like you could ignore that guy if you saw him walking down the street in that. Not only is it lime green, but it's got a big 'ol point on top. If the color wouldn't have helped make it easy to pick him out of a crowd, that antenna would.

Want something a little more wild? We can do that.


Okay, this one might make it tricky for people to sit next to you on the bus, but if you like maintaining a certain amount of personal space, this hat is dang near perfect.

Maybe you prefer something a little less wild and wacky? Don't sweat it: we've got your hat.


I'm particularly fond of this one myself, as that the construction is definitely more on the original side, but not to the point where it would impede my progress. You know, like bumping the roof the car or inadvertently poking someone in the eye.

So remember, folks: just because a hat is made of felt does not mean it is inherently boring. Felt is what you make of it, and with a little creativity, you can make some pretty awesome stuff.

And in the words of LeVar Burton, you don't have to take my word for it:


I'd say Aretha agrees with me, too.

Candy bars aren't the only thing that comes in a Fun Size.

I think we're all agreed on the fact that Hats = Awesome, but with every silver lining, there is a cloud. In the case of hats, that would be the dreaded hat-head. Sure, the hat looks amazing, but when you take it off, you can see where the curls have been crushed and the volume has been smooshed out of it. And to make matters worse, it's only around the crown, so it looks like some sort of demented mullet: flat and smooth at the top, wild and crazy at the bottom.

Which is why today we will be focusing on that charming little accessory called the mini hat. Because dang it, we spend way too much time styling our hair to let it get wrecked in the name of awesomeness.

C'mon, who doesn't want a teensy little bowler?

Now for the most part, these suckers were meant to be worn at a jaunty angle on your pate, so you have to be careful when tying/pinning/setting these suckers into place. Otherwise, you'll look a bit like...well, this:


Not that I have anything against Queen Victoria, but let's face facts here: she isn't remembered for being rigid and stuffy for nothing. Having that crown planted firmly on the top of her head just reinforces that impression.

Although, to be fair, some mini hats do look better when centered, as we're about to see.


See what I mean? This one would just look ridiculous if you tried to tilt it too far one way or the other.


I kinda like this one. It has a certain retro "Cigars? Cigarettes?" vibe to it, although I imagine it would be difficult to work into daily wear. Which is probably why these are more "special occasion" hats than everyday ones.

Speaking of special occasions...


For the bride who hates tiaras with a passion and thinks veils are far too fussy, there are mini hats for you, too.

But whatever mini hat you decide to wear, just remember that the most important thing is attitude. If you seriously want to rock one of these things, you better have the self-confidence to pull it off. These hats are not for the shy and retiring, and were never meant to be.

Oh, and you should probably have some industrial-strength hair spray, too. And maybe some bobby pins as well. Just sayin'.

Because you're gonna need all the luck you can get.

Friday the 13th. A day that is purported to be positively loaded to the brim with unluckiness, to the point where even famous types like Henry Ford and Franklin Delano Roosevelt refused to do anything on this reportedly inauspicious date.

Now, I'm sure many of you are those serious-minded types who don't get all sorts of concerned about superstition or the like, but when you consider that this particular Friday the 13th is the third to happen this year, and we all know what happens in threes...well, let's just say no one would begrudge you for wanting to shine up your lucky pennies or bust out your lucky rabbit's foot.

Well, PETA might on the last one, but I won't. I promise.

Anywho, in trying times such as these, people start pulling out all the stops in order to ensure that they will not fall prey to any bad luck today, which is where the most sacred of items comes into play: the lucky hat.

Unlike other tokens of good luck that may be hard to come by (EX: a four-leaf clover,) a lucky hat is something you likely already own.

Maybe your luck comes from feathers and flowers.

Perhaps you find luck in velvet and veils.

It might be closely related to your baseball team of choice.


Or possibly just from a jauntily-placed peacock feather. That's the beauty of a lucky hat; it can be whatever you want it to be, as long as it makes you feel lucky.

As for myself, I'm no paraskavedekatriaphobe. Seeing as my birthday is on a 13th of a certain month, every so often I find myself celebrating the anniversary of my birth on a Friday, and historically-speaking, those tend to be the best birthdays ever.

Unfortunately for me, I won't be having another one of those until my 33rd birthday, but I think it'll be worth the wait. Why? Because it'll happen in 2013.

...

Oh, yeah. It's gonna be AWESOME.

11th month/11th day/11th hour

One of the most time-honored traditions of Veteran's Day (outside of a moment of silence observed at the time mentioned above,) is the wearing of a poppy. Which may sound somewhat strange at first(after all, what do poppies have to do with war? Wouldn't a rose be more suitable?) until you remember this famous World War I poem by Canadian physician, Lieutenant Colonel John McRae:

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

Makes a lot more sense now, doesn't it?

Now, most people just wear one--either real or fake--attached to their lapel or collar, but since this is Heinous Hats, we're showcasing some hats that incorporate the poppy theme with a bit more panache.

Hey, I can be serious every once in a while too, you know. And you might have noticed, these hats are seriously awesome.


In the interest of not taking away from the seriousness of the thing, I have placed all relevant links over in the Links sidebar, so if any of you are curious about these hats and desirous to make them your own, feel free to click around over there to your heart's content. Or, if you'd like to do something a bit more charitable, you can get yourself a Buddy Poppy from the VFW.

Or just take the time to remember. It's up to you.

Not your grandma's knitted hats.

If there is one good thing about winter, it's that it gives all of us an excuse to pull our hand-knitted hats from out of the closet, dust them off and give them a spin. After all, knitted hats are generally too warm to wear all year 'round, so it's not until the days get short and the temperatures drop that they get any real amount of play.

Which is kind of sad, when you think about it. Particularly when presented with hats like this:



I mean, who doesn't want to rock an emo-stripey hat all the time? It's got cherries on it, for crying out loud!

Or how about this one?


I mean, if you want to be true to your punk-rock roots, what better way to do so than by wearing a knitted Mohawk? Not only will your pate be toasty-warm, but just think of how much you'll save on hair products!

Of course, if you're more into historical scenes than musical ones, never fear. There is a knit pattern for you, too. How do I know? Check this out:


Do you see that?! That is a viking helmet, complete with horns and full-mother-flippin'-beard!

...

Seriously, people. You have no excuse. If this guy can find someone to knit him this, you guys can get a hat knitted for you in whatever style you want. There is absolutely no excuse whatsoever.

Although, since I imagine there aren't many of us out there who are brave enough to rock a knitted viking hat, that's okay. You can always go with something a bit more basic, such as a knitted animal hat.


Or, failing that, a knitted sock monkey hat. Just look at how cute that is, with its little sock monkey face, and the pom-pom on top and the tassels...

Crap. Now I've got a serious case of the wants. So much so that I am going to leave a link to the online store that sells this hat, so that all of you can catch the fever, too. Kind of like when you've got Biz Markie's "Just a Friend" stuck in your head, and by the sheer act of telling others about it, they get it stuck in their heads as well.

'Cause you say he's just a friend, 'cause you say he's just a friend...